Stronger

“whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger” is not an adage I’ve ever felt completely comfortable with. I don’t know why really. It sounds good. Right even. It just sounds like the motto of some hickish camero driving bruiser with an inferiority complex and an Asian arm band tattoo…to me. I’ve never been a fan of Slayer or chain-link steering wheels, but you know what they say: “don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater”…so maybe I should give the ‘ol chestnut a chance. Going through difficult (torturous) times does beg the philosophical mind to search for meaning…a silver lining…something! If ‘whatever’ isn’t killing you but it is making you cry, wretch, curse, scream, beg, sob, churn and/or question your existence, does that mean it’s making you stronger? Maybe. It is probably making you more mature…by definition, I think. I remember being immature. And irresponsible and (logically) reckless. In other words…Blissful. Ignorance is bliss – right? Ignorant of real problems, real stress, real pain and loss. But then, also, ignorant of real joy, real love, real intimacy, real…life. One look into your child’s eyes can make you feel powerful love, joy and happiness that is – at least for that moment – lighter than any heavy weight that might be pulling you down. One look from your…okay, you get the idea. Here is what seems to be happening to me. Usually your life is full between the heart-wrenching and heart-warming. Full of moments of much less significance and consequence. For some reason that gooey center has been sucked out of my existence. With no center, the extremes – good and bad have nothing to connect to. They are magnets of opposite charges, unable to touch but still pushed together by the power of the cosmos. So they just spin around each other. And spin. And spin out of control.